You Ain’t Getting . . . For Christmas — Red Peters [EXPLICIT]

You Ain't Getting $#!+ For Christmas -- Red Peters

You know, they say Christmas is a time for giving
At least, that’s what the good book says
And at our house every Christmas Eve
My son and daughter and their families 
Drive down from the big city for an old-fashioned 
Family holiday

Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas card
You can hear her in the kitchen singing 
While she’s baking cookies for the children
And she spends hours wrapping the presents
She’s been buying since last August
She hangs all the stockings over the fireplace
The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest 
Darn Christmas tree you ever saw in your life
This year we really outdid ourselves
You know, Ma and I are getting on in our years
So we decided to give the kids 
Tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece

I reckon it was around noon
When I heard the dogs barking 
“Come Rags! Come Guzzler!”
And there was Jim the mailman
In his old Santa cap, coming up the walk
Teasing the dogs, as usual, and holding a package
Well, he handed it over to me and says
“Pappy, looks like you got
An overnight package from your daughter”
Well, Ma tore it open, and to both our horrors
We unwrapped a fruitcake
With a note that read

“Aloha Ma & Dad
At the last minute we got a cheap fare 
On the internet and went to Hawaii
Hold onto our gifts until after the first of the year
Love, Princess” 

Well, Ma’s heart was broken
And I felt a lump in my 
Throat as I thought to myself

You ain’t getting . . . for Christmas 
You can shove that fruitcake up your . . . 
Well, you ain’t getting . . . 
No, you ain’t getting . . . 
You ain’t getting . . . for Christmas 

You know, Ma hasn’t had a drink in 20 years
And I’ve been off the sauce myself for a while now
And heck, if there was ever an excuse
To start drinking again . . .
Who in tarnation could that be?
Junior and his family?
It was some delivery fella standing there 
Holding what looked like a fruitcake tin
With a card attached

“Pop, the company’s condo is free this week
And you know how much
Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head.
Please forward our gifts to this address.” 

Hey Ma, save some of that for me
Well, Ma took a conniption 
And things turned real ugly
She started breaking things and 
Hurled the turkey and those two fruitcakes right 
Through the front window
And the whole time she was yelling

You ain’t getting . . . for Christmas 
You can shove that fruitcake up your . . . 
Well, you ain’t getting . . . 
No, you ain’t getting . . . 
You ain’t getting . . . for Christmas 

About Brian V. Lee 479 Articles
Brian V. Lee provides bankruptcy, foreclosure defense, business turnaround, and litigation services to clients in the District of Columbia, Virginia, and Maryland. Brian was the Washington, D.C. state chair of the National Association of Consumer Bankruptcy Attorneys from 2016 to 2018.